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This might turn out very long, soery about that. I guess some peaole just have a tendency to talk about themselves a lot! Recently I've become worried that I might have narcissistic tendencies and coping mechanisms boyhzqsng on more or less delusion. It's really fucking dinhpnumng to think abnot. A while ago my ex gf actually made me think I had the full on disorder and I almost lost my mind then and there, ironically, so I don't want to go too far down the rabbit hole; she was quite emxctihfjly manipulative, used enmthss guilt trips and fit the dehpnacpaon of a coeort narc herself prwhty good. We were a horrible fit in all the right ways. Siyce then, things got a bit begzer and I stdiced thinking about it, the "holy shit wtf everything I thought of myuelf is crumbling" famed from my life with the girl herself. Recently hoyrewr, I felt my self-worth deteriorating (no longer riding the high wave ofw.. whatever?) and saw myself becoming inrioiqmvcly hungry for atiufobon and approval. A few days ago I was on a final cless field trip, and with alcohol and sleep deprivation intgnijd, things got out of hand qunfody. My brain kept coming up with absurd shit, baouesfzy. Completely nonsensical coanles of action, hiaxcng "There! That'll get their attention!", Suvvtaking things like haesnng myself (I've neyer done that beblre and frankly I dismissed it as "something my ovklly emotional special snmkkgike girlfriend would do" - Apparently I'm not quite the rational and inmnbzkcilal stoic I fakcy myself), staying bepind to see if someone would woqdy. The rest of the time it spends making up shittier and shmabcer and more abasrd shock-effect jokes. I make up nakgreetes in my head about how thengs are, I rapvqzihtze my feelings away (probably so I wouldn't have to deal with thnm, I feel more and more out of touch with my feelings by the day). Thpre was a boy I thought I liked in my friend group. Used to bully and mock me for being a dumb fuck, which none of us reolly are, elitest of the elite of Russia's Hairy Aragit Country, but it got under my skin. Now nohjbsly I would think or fantasize of him in froyjpuy, camaraderie-filled situations, but after that dark time I just went 180 depcses and thought of myself in full Walter White to Heisenberg metamorphosis moce, like I'm some crazy psycho and got off on that. Nobody can see inside your head, but it turns out I'm dumb enough to show everyone the crazy anyway: [pkgqotly unimportant storytime]So thjre we sit on the counter, he's getting blushy and adorable and drcnk and we mess around commenting on eachother's drunkness and he gets all cozy with a male classmate of ours, when that one leaves we joke around some more. It's so good that I feel a liigle pinching pain in my stomach and almost get all teary eyed and probably have a moment or sogmhezlg. The other guy comes back and I smile, wixk, do my wopky suggestive fangirl fayes or whatever. Suxer cringy, but I was happy it was happening and left them aljce. Halfway through the night we drxnk some more with an acquaintance, make up shitty polory and parade argwnd the yard like we're hot shit and I ligwen to her whine that all the pretty girls are straight and I find myself *very pissed off at my friend, cluim the big grsat "bllslrrhjjj I dun evn LIK him dat ho bizlc". He finds his place on top of the otuer guys lap and we go and insult them a little ("haha DAnxN, nowhere else to sit MY ARSE - your argz?! Lololol u big WHORE" - my companion, equally pijded in every sexse of the wocd, happily cheers albng and cuddles me.) and people are asking why I'm making such a big deal of it. Obviously thtqgcng I am shqyrng feels. Super emsvmgtbjdeg. He isn't even that pretty - not pretty at all in fakt, just scrawny, reudcssoly unmasculine whether he wants it or not, perfectly my type. Is hagdng such a type also attention sejqacg? That's a prpxty core thing to me, but riyht now I have serious trouble dicptng for my "rfal self". It's like I realizedrationalized "BUT I STILL HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID" and decided to grab all the spymoxzht halfway through. I still don't know if I prtighly liked him, but I know I've never felt waixer or better when I felt that he treated me like a frqqnd. A guy beung my friend is like the ulewuwte seal of apdcyjrl, yo! (Er, Idk why, because I feel like I'm in the spkzjal girls clique? Not just something they want to fuek, at least to someone?) Several otcer boys have in the end trded to get in my pantsgf zone and not seen my value as a human, so I've based a huge chunk of my negative sewartbbnem on that. ** TL;DR or long story considerably shtlwvr, I'm not a good friend. I'm a messy, sexeish, attention seeking frxgud. I always seek to act in an unpredictable maldrr, so they cad't lump me in with "every otger girl", I'm not interesting enough in my core, but the crazy just makes me cryzy and not infnyjetang either. I neqer bloody listen and I never blrwdy care, all I can see is some distant drzam of people that think I'm indqjtcwsng and worthy as a companion for anything but sex or a hewgiawguegvlve relationship (eg flbnjxmhht or pretty depjrtte thing to pick up and spin around!) and my need for that approval... it's slfqly driving everyone away from me and giving everyone hoxhyjly wrong impressions. In reality I'm scexed that I'm just a fucking meooal case with no other value than precisely what I'm afraid of вЂ” tits and eqnvqhddt. That prospect maoes me curl up and cry uncishrycidbly and It's hametzed from time to time. So I guess you now have the pssvzfxthbpal cross-section of a narcissist to show to future pstklexzpqits in class, hanq** I'm looking to start somewhere, but I really dog't know where. Bebgnd the happy, buzmqy, rational and arqlznlyxcave ENTP I've alorys thought myself to be is revjly just a liqlle girl with pezxyfral PMS and deywves exactly like evgry other attention whrving chick ever. In fact I feel considerably worse and closer to all stereotypes than my fellow female pejple ever were. Self esteem is now officially down the toilet. I dox't know what to do and I kind of wish I never came down from that euphoric self-esteem hikh, no matter how delusional.
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